Is The Moment Really Here?

It is currently June 9th at 7:35 AM.

I'm sitting at Coffee Bean on Atlantic and Carson.

I got here at 6:00 AM this morning and honestly, I haven't gotten an ounce of work done.

At least that's what it feels like.

I've been staring at the screen for over an hour, trying to write something, but nothing seems to be coming out.

Maybe I feel stuck because I've already done everything I could to get here.

The amount of deep work, self-reflection, questioning, revisiting old memories, and trying to make sense of my own story over the last few years would probably blow most people's minds.

The funny thing is that nobody sees that part.

They see the website.

They see the projects.

They see the photos.

They see the gym.

They see the finished product.

What they don't see are the years spent trying to answer questions I didn't have answers to.

Questions about loss.

Questions about purpose.

Questions about identity.

Questions about who I wanted to become after life forced me to become someone I never planned on being.

As I sit here now with almost nothing left to write, the fact that the story is finally coming together gives me chills.

Maybe it's because deep down I know that if the right people somehow stumble across it and actually take the time to read it, they'll never look at me the same again.

Not because they'll think I'm smarter.

Not because they'll think I'm successful.

Not because they'll suddenly be impressed.

But because they'll finally see the things I've been carrying that nobody else could see.

Most people know me as a gym owner.

A trainer.

A business owner.

A creator.

But very few people know the version of me that spent years trying to make sense of everything.

The version that questioned himself.

The version that felt lost.

The version that sat alone with thoughts he couldn't explain.

For so many years, I wanted to become a better communicator.

I used to wonder why expressing myself felt so difficult.

Now I think I finally understand.

I wasn't ready yet.

I hadn't lived through enough.

I hadn't reflected enough.

I hadn't learned enough.

I was trying to tell a story that was still being written.

The lessons weren't clear yet.

The dots hadn't connected.

The scars were still fresh.

Maybe that's why it took so long.

Not because I was a bad communicator.

But because I was still becoming the person who could tell the story.

And if I'm being honest, the thing I'm most proud of isn't the website.

It isn't the projects.

It isn't the accomplishments.

It isn't the things people can see.

It's the work nobody saw.

The countless hours spent trying to become a better human being.

The amount of heart it takes to have the world doubt you.

To lose yourself in other people's opinions.

To question everything.

And somehow find your way back to yourself.

What did I learn from all of this?

I learned that peace isn't something you find.

It's something you create.

My life feels peaceful because I live in alignment with who I say I am.

My values and my actions finally match.

The promises I make to myself are the same promises I try to keep.

I have never intentionally done anyone wrong.

I've tried to help people even when I had very little to give.

I've given when I was struggling.

I've shown up when it would've been easier not to.

And for the first time in a long time, I don't feel like I'm chasing anything.

I feel like I'm standing exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Maybe that's why I can't seem to write anything this morning.

Maybe the work isn't writing another paragraph.

Maybe the work is accepting that the chapter is finished.

Maybe the reason I feel stuck is because there isn't much left to say.